Clumsy Heroic Adorable Anticapitalist Penguins Vs Business Goose’s Ivory Tower is a mini RPG where you are heroic, adorable and 100% anticapitalist. In this dungeon waddling game, you take on the evil Business Goose to save the Antarctic from his capitalist clutches.

You can PWYW for this title on DriveThruRPG or download a free PDF here. To get early access to monthly games, support me on Patreon.

Business Goose’s Ivory Tower rises above the Tundra, spouting out smog, destroying the ice caps, and hurting the downtrodden Penguins below.

Today, that ends. Today, you will fight your way up through every floor of the Ivory Tower. Today you will battle past all the Department Heads.

Today the halls will ring with your battle cries. Today, the tower will fall! NOOT NOOT!

HOW TO PLAY – FOR PENGUINS

You are a waddle of Penguins. You are ADORABLE, HEROIC and CLUMSY.

You are also 100% ANTI-CAPITALIST.

You are HEROIC when you act under pressure, inflict harm, or try something dangerous. Whenever you act in a way that is HEROIC, roll d12s.

For everything else, you are ADORABLE. Whenever you act in a way that is ADORABLE, roll d10s.

Roll one dice as standard.

Pick a PENGUIN TYPE from the list below. Each one has a SPECIAL SKILL. Whenever you use your SPECIAL SKILL, roll an extra dice and pick the highest.

PENGUIN TYPE	SPECIAL SKILL
Emperor	Command
Chinstrap	SLAP!
Little Blue	Underhand
Yellow-eyed	Observant
Rockhopper	Propulsion

Finally, write down a word to describe your Penguin’s role in the assault on The Ivory Tower. Whenever you act in line with that role, roll an extra dice and pick the highest.

As you climb the Ivory Tower, obstacles will stand in your way. Each obstacle you encounter will have a CHALLENGE rating. When you act with CONTROL it reduces the CHALLENGE by 1. When it is reduced to 0, the CHALLENGE is overcome. You can tackle CHALLENGES as a group, taking turns to roll.

Whenever you act, compare the result to your highest CLUMSY DICE to see if you act with CONTROL.

CLUMSY DICE

The only thing standing in the way of your success is your clumsiness, and Penguins are very clumsy!

Your CLUMSY DICE are d6. You begin with one CLUMSY DICE in your CLUMSY DICE POOL. Whenever you act, roll vs the highest result from your CLUMSY DICE POOL.

If your highest ADORABLE or HEROIC roll is equal to or above your highest CLUMSY DICE roll, then you perform the action with CONTROL – everything goes to plan and you reduce the CHALLENGE by 1.

Whenever you perform an action with CONTROL, add a CLUMSY DICE to your CLUMSY DICE POOL to a maximum of 4d6.

If you roll below your highest CLUMSY DICE, then you perform the action CLUMSILY – you drop or break something, slip, trip, wobble or otherwise lose any semblance of grace that you had before.

Whenever you perform an action CLUMSILY, your CLUMSY DICE POOL resets to 1d6.

Whenever you perform an action CLUMSILY, any Penguins who are close to you take an additional dice to their CLUMSY DICE POOL.

PENGUIN POINTS

Your waddle starts the game with a pool of PENGUIN POINTS equal to the number of Penguins in the waddle. Whenever you act, you may spend one or more PENGUIN POINTS to roll an extra dice and pick the highest.

You must spend PENGUIN POINTS before making your roll. Whenever your Waddle completes a floor of Business Goose’s Ivory Tower, your Waddle regains 1d6 PENGUIN POINTS.

RUNNING A GAME – FOR GMS

Throughout the Ivory Tower, the Penguins will encounter CHALLENGES in the shape of interns, middle management, departmental & reception staff, security, maintenance staff, conference rooms, cubicles, printers, stationery cupboards, computers, phones, desks, air conditioning control panels, break rooms, vents, coffee machines, water coolers, fridges, vending machines, motivational posters & video conferencing software.

The Ivory Tower has a different Floor for each department, the departments are:

FINANCE, HR, IT, LEGAL, AND MARKETING

Whenever the waddle encounters something new, award it a CHALLENGE rating.

A CHALLENGE rating of 1 is EASY and might be clambering up a step, slapping an intern, or stealing some paperclips.

A CHALLENGE rating of 2 is TRICKY and might be unplugging the right plug in an overcrowded extension cord, stealing a security pass, or using a phone.

A CHALLENGE rating of 3 is TOUGH and might involve covertly navigating across a busy office, impersonating a contractor, or hacking the mainframe.

Each Floor has its own Department Head and should present unique challenges for the Waddle. There is also a lobby on the ground floor and, of course, Business Goose’s Office at the very top.

Department Heads will appear before the waddle leaves a floor. Department Heads have a CHALLENGE rating of 6 and are a SUPERIOR CHALLENGE.

Roll a d10 to decide what makes them stand out in the world of business.

1	…continuously secretes Interns
2	…has a pathological hatred for Penguins
3	…constantly criticises the Penguins’ performance
4	…is willing to destroy their surroundings to stop the Penguins
5	…can teleport via Fax (it might take a while)
6	…can make multiple black and white copies of themselves
7	…generates two Middle Managers, then micromanages them constantly
8	…constantly spouts quotes from a corporate training video
9	…is a controlling a powerful Mech
10	…is accompanied by a lost and extremely vicious Polar Bear

BUSINESS GOOSE

Business Goose resides in his office on the top floor of his Ivory Tower. Business Goose has a CHALLENGE rating of 10 and is an EXTREME CHALLENGE. Give Business Goose any two Department Head attributes of your choice.

Whenever a Penguin performs an action against Business Goose CLUMSILY, roll a d6:

1	…THE TOWER STARTS TO SHAKE: Give each Penguin a CLUMSY DICE
2	…SMOG POURS INTO THE ROOM: The next Penguin to act reads the lowest result from their HEROIC/ADORABLE dice
3	…THE ROOM GETS HELLA ICY: The next Penguin to act rolls an extra CLUMSY DICE
4	…THERE IS A POWER SURGE: Remove one PENGUIN POINT from the Waddle’s pool
5	… STRONGER!: Increase the CHALLENGE by 1
6	… STRONGER STILL!: Business Goose gains another Department Head attribute

But Business Goose also has a DARK SECRET, which is revealed once he is defeated:

1	…Business Goose was a Penguin all along!
2	…Business Goose is a puppet for a greater evil
3	…Business Goose is being held to ransom!
4	…Business Goose is a highly complicated computer programme!
5	…Business Goose is a corporate mascot gone rogue!
6	…Business Goose is the father of one of the Penguins!

All artwork by Bob Rimington (@manicpixieswampmonster on Instragram)